Riding the waves of a hurricane.

Creativity, workflow, and bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder comes with more than one type of episode.

Most folks aren’t aware of this. The depiction of our episodes in media is either life-altering bouts energy and paranoia or life-ending spells of depression. While this can be true, clinically, there are as many presentations of bipolar disorder than shown in books and movies.

I, personally, experience two types of mania and a few presentations of depression. The first type of mania, which is controlled well by my medication regimen (thanks, science!) is the “classic” mania. The clinical threshold is basically if it impacts your livelihood and functioning. This is only presented in bipolar type one. The second is hypomania, which all bipolar folks may experience. It includes more energy, creativity, and impulsivity, but it doesn’t have as much impact on, say, holding down a job.

Depression is a bit easier to talk about, because more people can relate. For me, these present in times of deep depression or mild melancholy. I experience both hypomania and depressive episodes even when I’m medicated. These are what’s known as “breakthrough” episodes. To put it simply, I still fall off my bike, even when I’m wearing a helmet and knee pads.

I have learned, through careful tracking, that these episodes have an incredible influence on my creative processes.

I used to be scared of writing when I was hypomanic. To put it bluntly, I’m a wicked perfectionist, and the idea of having a high output some days and low output others makes me feel clammy. I like things to be neat and even, and I’d like my output, my creativity to be the same way.

I am not a neat and even person. This is something that I have learned about myself time and time again, and I’m still hit in the face with the lesson to this day. When I’m up, or having a good day when I’m euthymic (a fancy psych word for normal moods), I can write for hours on end. The creativity flows easily and I can’t imagine stopping for anything.

Depressive episodes snatch that away. Of course I have no motivation to write when I’m depressed. I hardly have motivation to shower. But I make things worse by beating myself up, expecting myself to have the same output when I’m in a completely different state of mind.

I would have days wracking my brain, trying to force writing out that just felt bland, unauthentic. I’d love to stay hypomanic all the time, but the drawback of the creativity is felt severely in my wallet.

The important thing to remember is episodes are temporary. Creativity always comes back.

I have had to learn to ride these waves. Embracing the hypomania meant that I could create freely without the nagging feeling the energy wouldn’t last. Allowing myself to fully feel and process my depression meant that I wouldn’t make myself feel even worse for resting. As someone with 5+ years of experience diagnosed, I need both sides.

Taking this approach has helped me avoid a lot of burnout, and put out more work, surprisingly. I had to give myself permission to go hard while the inspiration strikes while also resting when my mind needs a break.

My advice to writers that struggle with mental health:

Embrace your moods and the way they fluctuate, but still try to do a little every day. That might look like five minutes of word association for a work that you jot down on your phone, or it could be five hours of furious writing into the night. It’s important to keep yourself going each and every day.

But this advice comes with a warning: only ride these waves if you are in a safe place to do so. Wear your life jacket and never swim alone. If you are getting too low or too high, take an actual break. Don’t play around with your brain. It’s gonna be with you for your whole life.